How Childhood Experiences Affect Our Self-Esteem
There is a fundamental psychological mechanism that we are born with, based on self-doubt triggered by every negative event.
This self-doubt ultimately functions as motivation for self-improvement. In other words, when something goes wrong and we are not immediately able to fix it, a part of us subconsciously activates and tells us that we are not okay as we are, not worthy enough, not capable enough, etc. The unpleasant emotion generated by this self-doubt becomes the motivation to correct the negative situation.
Self-doubt, as a mechanism for human motivation, has been functioning in humanity for tens of thousands of years (since we developed self-awareness) and is the root cause of all forms of psychological pain. If we consider how much pain humanity has endured up to this day, we can understand that every human being is born with a profound readiness for self-doubt.
Depending on how much positive input is missing from our childhood experiences, the mechanism of self-doubt essentially “awakens” negative beliefs about the self that are encoded in our DNA. These are beliefs inherited from generation to generation (both through DNA and through the way children of each generation are raised by their parents). The specific form of these beliefs varies from person to person because it depends on their genealogical tree and the history of their ancestors.
It is worth noting that this lack of positive experiences does not necessarily take the form of “traumatic events” in childhood, which have been widely discussed in psychology. It can also manifest as a general psychological atmosphere and attitude toward the child that permeates their daily life at home, even in the absence of loud, “significant” traumatic events.
To the extent that a child—either overtly or subtly—does not receive enough love, respect, care, and a sense of safety from their parents, beliefs such as “I am not worthy of being loved,” “I am not worthy of being respected,” or “I cannot, I am not capable of having what I need” will be activated within them.
This phenomenon is partly due to the fundamental mechanism of self-improvement through self-doubt discussed earlier, but also to the following critical factor: A child does not have a well-developed sense of reasoning to think that they are not to blame for the fact that their parents do not provide what they need. Thus, there is no defense against the activation of these negative beliefs within them.
For example, if a child does not receive love or recognition of their abilities, it is very complex for them to think that there are reasons why their parents are unable to give them these things. Instead, it is much simpler—since the negative beliefs are already lying dormant within them—to assume that some inadequacy of their own is responsible for this lack.
After all, children see their parents as almost godlike. They are the strong ones, with many more years of experience in this unfamiliar world. They know everything, while the child knows nothing. How could they possibly make any mistakes? Moreover, it is in the child’s interest to see them as infallible and perfect, because their very existence depends on them. The idea that those responsible for their care might be flawed causes the child insecurity.
Additionally, a child may receive plenty of love, care, and attention, but still have strongly activated negative beliefs about themselves if they receive these things in the wrong way. For instance, an overly protective attitude based on the parent’s fear makes the child fearful as well, leading them to form the belief that they are weak and vulnerable in a very dangerous world.
Similarly, constant advice, instructions, and interventions—even if given with the best intentions—can activate beliefs like “I cannot rely on my own abilities (I am incompetent),” “I don’t have control to do what I want (I am powerless, I do what others want),” “I lack the judgment to discern what is beneficial from what is harmful (I am foolish, I am ignorant, only others know),” and “I lack the resilience to learn from my mistakes (I am fragile, if I make a mistake, I am ruined).” All these are highly negative beliefs about oneself.
Another incorrect way parents express love toward their children arises when they do not love them for their mere existence but because they are beautiful, intelligent, well-mannered, good students, obedient, etc. To the extent that this is true, such love also generates negative beliefs about the self for the simple reason that the child forms the fundamental belief: “I am not worthy for who I am; I am only worthy as long as I fulfill others’ desires for me.”
Even a slight deviation from what others expect of them can lead the child to sense a significant deterioration in the emotional climate. This is similar to the depression and anxiety often experienced by celebrities, who deep down understand that all the admiration and love they receive from the world is not directed toward their true selves but is entirely dependent on their successes and the trends of the times.
Thus, the initial self-image we form depends on our childhood experiences, and this image persists into adulthood, essentially until we die, unless we consciously and systematically challenge it. This naturally raises the question: Why does this happen?
In other words, if a child has not received love and respect from their parents, it is natural, as we explained, to develop beliefs about themselves such as “I am not worthy of being loved and respected” and “I lack the strength to get what I want (such as the crucial need to be loved and respected).” But why don’t their later experiences with other people change these beliefs?
One reason is that the initial beliefs about the self have exceptional power because they are formed when there is no critical defense in place and create the first impression of who we are, which is also the strongest.
From that point on, these well-established beliefs influence our choices and the interpretation of life events in such a way that they self-confirm.
By Vasilis Giannakopoulos
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