The most common cause of anger is an angry family environment. Children learn to get angry from their parents. They learn when to get angry, how to do it, and to what extent. This is called modeling.
Families where members are frequently angry tend to act very differently from regular families. They have three destructive habits:
- They consider anger a normal and expected state.
- They think no one listens to them unless they are angry.
- They try to solve their problems with anger.
Anger is a sign that something is wrong. But in some families, anger operates like a broken traffic light at an unguarded railway crossing. It keeps flashing and whistling constantly, even when no train is passing by.
People from these families are angry all the time. They may have a very good reason for being upset. And if they don’t, they make sure to invent one each time.
In these families, it’s expected that every member will be angry. Everyone is upset with everyone else, and there’s at least one fight every day.
The worst part, though, is that all this fighting seems completely normal to them—a daily way of life. Think of the children. Where will all this anger lead them? What will they learn? Of course, they’ll learn to be angry all the time when they grow up.
Some adults have asked me why others consider them short-tempered. Here’s the answer… because they shout a lot. They think the only way to speak is to shout. They are overly aggressive. The sad truth is that they are simply behaving the way they learned at home.
In these families, anger is used in the wrong way. The members try to solve their problems with anger. But this doesn’t work at all. It’s like trying to screw in a bolt using a hammer. Anger is just a signal; it’s not a solution.
Your anger simply warns you that there is a problem. The problem could be internal (you woke up with a headache), but it could also be external (the kids broke a window while playing ball). But getting angry won’t solve either problem.
So let’s say it again:
ANGRY PEOPLE COME FROM ANGRY FAMILIES.
Did you grow up in an angry family? How often did you see your parents get upset? How did they handle their anger? Did they teach you to get angry very quickly, very intensely, and for a long time? Have you created an equally angry family? Are you passing the habit of rage on to the next generation?
Excerpt from the book “Overcoming Anger and Tension Now!” by Dr. Ron Potter-Efron
